I’ve been deeply troubled by last week’s news stories of Kate Spade’s and Anthony Bourdain’s deaths by suicide. I’ve been taking some time to process the impact of their deaths and figuring out how to put my words together to express the main points I have circling through my head. I’ve noticed that I am very angry at depression for what it does to people. Depression robs people of the reality of their self worth and value to others and the world. Depression is the worst bully imaginable and what’s even worse is feeling like you can’t get it out of your head or make it stop. It’s torture.
As I reflect on Kate and Anthony, whom we may feel attached to, whether we loved having her handbags or loved watching his shows and shared a vicarious glimpse into his life, I’ve been thinking about how fortunate I have been, as a clinical psychologist, to be trusted by my clients who have shared with me their darkest moments. It is though my client’s narratives over the years, that I have learned what their depression is like, what the thoughts and beliefs are like, and what a horrible experience it is to live with major depression, the disorder.
What it comes down to is that depression is a horrible brain disease that you wouldn’t wish upon anyone and these suicides are a stark reminder that depression is deadly. Not only are those who suffer from depression tormented by uncomfortable physical symptoms, but they also experience significant emotional lows, agitation, irritability, feelings of worthlessness, excessive guilt, preoccupation with dark thoughts, and distorted self views that can include irresistable urges to punish themselves. Those of us fortunate enough to not suffer from depression can try to imagine what it’s like, but can’t really know unless we are in their shoes and we should acknowledge that. When a sense of hopelessness, “it’s never going to get better” and helplessness, “there’s nothing I can do” start to creep in the risk of suicide increases.
And to make matters worse, society has done a tremendous disservice and has been cruel to those suffering from depression. Let’s not pretend it’s not out there. The direct and indirect messages we all hear that include beliefs that those who suffer from depression are “weak, crazy, don’t appreciate what they’ve got,” and worst of all “have a character or moral flaws.” Those messages are not only wrong, but also extremely dangerous, and need to stop now. We would never say these kinds of things to someone suffering from cancer, yet society treats those with mental illness with immense disrespect while we should in fact be recognizing their strengths in fighting this battle every day.
As a society, we need to be aware of and stop misusing the word depression as a trivial experience. We have a responsibility to increase awareness and stop saying things like “I’m so depressed my favorite show got cancelled” or “I’ll kill myself if my favorite restaurant is closed.” This kind of language is cruel, insensitive, and beyond invalidating for those who suffer from depression. Messages like this reinforce the need for those to turn their feelings inward and put on a happy mask. No one wants to be the downer of the party, so people feel pressure to put on a happy face and as a result they don’t get the connection, compassion, and support they need to work though the darkness.
I can’t tell you how many families I have worked with told me that they had no idea their son or daughter was suffering from depresssion. Guess what? That’s exactly right. You can’t see it. It’s internal. People learn to hide it so they won’t be shamed and they won’t have to hear well intended buy way off base comments like “just get over it”, “look at the bright side”, “it’s not that bad”, “you have nothing to be depressed about.” Believe me if it were that easy we wouldn’t be having this discussion.
My clients have described to me that in the darkest moments of their mental illness they cannot stop the thoughts and truly believe they are better off dead. It is not rational. Don’t expect it to be. Those thoughts are a reflection, indication, and warning signal that the depression is severe. Someone is this state will wholeheatedly believe they are a burden to their families, emotionally, financially, and in anyway that can be imagined. They feel excessive and inappropriate guilt for needing or wanting psychotherapy, medication, or hospitalizations. They honestly believe others hate them and that family members, friends, even teacthers are only pretending to care. They may even believe God hates them and gave them depression as a punishment.
You know what I say in response to to that? Depression is a (insert expletives of your choice) big, fat, stinking liar. To make matters worse this monster bully called depression gradually isolates people and forces them to keep this darkness a secret. In this isolation is where the darkness grows and those inaccurate beliefs cannot be challenged and the thoughts to kill yourself become louder and louder and don’t relent. It’s hard to imagine, but it’s got to be torture and maybe that is an understatement.
However, if someone with depression can truly know that it’s okay to share their experience, wouldn’t it be a step in the right direction and start to provide relief and healing to not have to keep this awful secret? That shift in our culture would be a helpful gift to someone battling depression. If someone suffering could experience unconditional acceptance and share their pain that would be great step. If you can do it I encourage you to talk, keep talking to get the thoughts out of your head, and if you’re talking and keep talking then you are not hurting yourself.
Some important points to keep in mind:
Please keep talking.
Know that people love you.
You have a right to live.
Depression is a liar and it lies to you.
You are not disgusting or a burden and not one person would be better off if you died.
God does not hate you and is not punishing you.
Depression by it’s very nature is irrational.
Of course it doesn’t make sense, it’s not supposed to.
Depression takes our worst self criticism and tricks us into believing it’s lies and I can only imagine how difficult it would be to live that way. It can be especially hard when depressive episodes come back. Be extra close to postpartum moms who have suffered from depression. They may need extra love, support, and attention.
I believe with my whole heart that this is a treatable condition. Anothere frustrating and extra challenging element to this annoying condition we call depression is that sometimes medication and therapy helps and sometimes it can take a while. How badly does that suck? Depression asks of someone,who is already in tremendous distress and desperate for relief, to hang in there and be a little more patient until the medicine kicks in or you find just the right combination. Now that’s even extra hard. It makes me wish depression was like a broken arm that you could put a cast on. Depression is not cancer that you can give radiation and chemotherapy to and check to see if you killed the cancer cells. And how horrible is cancer?
While both conditions are horrible in their own ways, it’s interesting that it’s less likely a cancer patient says to themselves “I’m such a burden to my family, I’m better off dead” than it being a common thoughts that someone battling depression says to themselves. A cancer patient isn’t shamed for being weak and blamed or shunned by others. This is quite the stark contrast to someone fighting depression and suicidal thoughts and feelings. Now it’s time to get that compassion, empathy, nonjudgemental, accepting approach spreadking so that we can turn this suicide crisis around. We have no control over who gets what diseases, but we can control how we respond to and treat all illnesses, physical and emotional. Our minds and bodies are connected so let’s not separate them and treat these illnesses differently.
I noticed after Kate and Anthony’s high profile suicides a lot of posts providing the phone number to the suicide hotline. Unfortunately, if someone is at the point of feeling suicidal and actually planning it out, again it’s an indication of the severity of their condition, nothing more. Don’t judge them and let’s not let it get to a crisis we can intervene earlier.
If you know someone who has experienced depression, and you notice they have been down, agitated, hopeless, and isolating go check on them. If you suspect they are having a hard time, ask them. Don’t be afraid to use the words depression or suicide. It will not give them ideas. It will let them know you can tolerate talking about it as well and open the door to the conversation and maybe even save a life.
How do you help someone having some signs of depression:
Check on them and if they need food or to go for a walk, do it.
Stay with them. Be calm and caring. Help them get to a doctor’s appointment.
Tell them they are loved and deserve to live and remind them that depression is lying to them.
Help them hold on to the fact that depresssion is a big liar and the truth is that they are as good, lovable, and as valuable as everyone else and they will see that when they are feeling better.
How can you help yourself:
If you have depression, tell people you trust that this has been a struggle and let them know what signs they may see if you are having a hard time and what they can do that can be helpful to avert a crisis. That way if a major depressive episode starts to come on you can all work as a team to fight through it and stay safe.
Know that you don’t have to fight the depression bully alone.
Depression is a liar.
Keep repeating that until you believe it because it’s the truth.
Your strength will be greater in numbers and you deserve just as much support as anyone else battling any physical and mental illness.
It’s not your fault.
You didn’t ask for it.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
You are not weak, in fact the opposite is true and you are strong, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Depression can seriously happen to anyone. Any age, ethnicity, socioeconomic status and income level, education level, gender, occupation, anyone. Got that?
No one is perfectly healthy and yes, depression sucks and it would be better not to have it.
Everyone has got something and there is treatment for depression.
Hang in there and let’s fight this depression liar bully together.
Cancer patients get scans to detect cancer. Those with depression don’t have MRIs. Instead we’ve got to be creative and use our hearts and our heads and reach out in compassionate, loving, caring, accepting, supportive, and nonjudgmental ways. Let’s stop being surprised that this suffering occurs and know that depression is real and let’s use this as an opportunity to educate ourselves, reach out to others, and make changes in our society to turn this epidemic around.
There is a risk that when we hear about suicides, that it may increase the risk of those who are suffering because it puts out there that suicide is a viable option.
Please remember:
Suicide is not a solution.
You are not alone, even if you feel it.
You are not bad, even if you feel it.
Everyone does not hate you even if you feel it.
You are not better off dead.
You are loved.
On a side note, if someone is telling you that you should kill yourself, that is a toxic relationship, and that person is a bully, to put it lightly, because they preying on someone vulnerable, and needs to be removed from your life immediately. At times, victims of abuse or trauma may be at risk because those untrue messages got internalized.
Hold your head high and know that psychotherapy including cognitive behavioral therapy, supportive relationships, and a healing environment can make a positive impact. Everyone deserves a chance at life and healing with whatever affliction we may be struck with. Do everything you can to hold on to hope and keep talking, keep surviving, and know that we all together we can help decrease human suffering, change the world, and help ourselves and our neighbors become more loving and stronger.
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