Separation Anxiety: How to Help Your Child Feel Secure

If you are a parent, you may be hoping that your child will develop with a secure and confident personality. Here are some ideas to keep in mind and some basic steps you can take in order to give your child that inner strength to face life and its challenges.

Through your own relationship with your children, you can provide your children with a basic sense of trust and confidence and show them that they can get their needs meet.

You may be wondering…How do I do this?

Keep these basic principles in mind, when interacting with your children.

In order for your child to develop what psychologists call a “Secure Attachment” You want your children to learn that you, as their primary caregiver, are:

Available
Reliable
Dependable

Also, remember this does not mean that you have to perfect or that you can never leave your child. In fact, children are very forgiving and will give us multiple opportunities to repair mistakes we make. Also, you can successfully demonstrate being separated, by managing any distress, being reunited, and celebrating this reunion.

Here are some basic tips:

When spending time with your children, actually spend time with them: This can include many activities like reading and playing together. Make sure you turn off your electronics and phone and minimize distractions so that your child has your full attention. When you are playing with your child, let them engage in “child directed play.” This is important because it will give them a sense of control and it is a fascinating way that they will communicate their understanding of the world to you. (Of course, you can set limits, especially in regards to safety.)
Learn how to read and respond to your child’s cues: This starts very early on during infancy. Learning to read what your child is communicating to you, even without words, will start to build confidence. For example, when a child is hungry, cries, and is fed, she learns that through communication with others who are paying attention to and care about her, she is successful at getting her needs met.
Children need to know that the world is reliable and predictable: Routines are good and helpful and children like to know what to expect. This also gives them the sense that the world is a safe place.
Teach your child about emotions: Through a concept called, mirroring, where you literally reflect back a child’s emotions, you can teach your child how to identify and express a range of emotions, leading to good social emotional development. Through your relationship you can teach a child how to regulate his or her emotional responses. For example, when your child is upset you can say, “I see a sad face, it looks like you are sad or hurt. Let’s take some deep breathes together and then talk about it.”
Reassure your child when leaving them: When you do have times of separation whether it’s when you bring your child to daycare or school, leave them with a babysitter, or have a play date it is important to communicate to your child that even though you may not see them, you will hold them in your heart and in your mind. You do not forget them and even though it may be hard and sad to say goodbye you look forward to seeing them again and reuniting. You will make sure that during your separation your child’s needs will be attended to and they will be safe.

Keeping these key concepts in mind, you can help your children develop a strong sense of security and independence, with the knowledge that you and others will be there to help them when they need it.

If you want to work on improving your parenting skills and help improve your child’s sense of security, please call me for a free 10 minute phone consultation at 303-747-4014.

photo credit: Lotus Carroll