Isn’t it bizarre to realize it’s been one year since the world changed?
One year since this scary, deadly virus came at us and we were told to stay at home.
One year since we went through the unthinkable.
Stay at home orders, schools closed, concerts, pro sports, all sports, graduations, proms, homecomings, birthday parties canceled… and the list goes on and on.
At first, we may shudder to think back to one year ago, when we simply thought the pandemic was going to be a long spring break. I have recalled with several of my clients, the slow progression of those first days, weeks, and months of the pandemic. We look back and recall thinking that “it was only supposed to one week”, then two weeks, one month, another month, and we came to the realization that our lives have changed and we better get used to it.
When the pandemic hit, pretty much immediately, the need for mental health services started to sky rocket. This invisible threat was causing fear and worry about COVID-19, but has brought up a whole host of fears and anxieties, not to mention the grief and devasatating losses of those who lost loved ones, but pervasively and extensively the losses of expected traditions, milestones, coming of age events, and lost experiences and memories.
I find it important to remember and remind families that developmentally, as kids get older and their personalities are forming, they need to go out into the world and have experiences. It is these real life challenges, experiences, and how they persevere are part of what defines their values and personalities. Kids and teens need their peer group to connect to and interact with in order to go through this maturation process. Kids are supposed to spread their wings not all at once, but in many small steps. And collectively, we have lost many opportunities for that this year and instead have been faced with tremendous challenges.
The most profound and prevalent issue I have seen is that of grief and loss. Grief and loss can manifest in many ways. Grief and loss can be seen in so many areas including coming of age milestones, unmet expectations, lost opportunities, loss of memories that whether is was a 5th grade field trip, summer camps, starting high school and college with limited opportunities to make friends, not be able to see distant relatives, etc.
It is of utmost importance that we acknowledge the grief. A client said to me, “1/13 of my life has been in the pandemic.” Kids and teens may be afraid things won’t ever go back to normal. Some kids and teens have gotten very comfortable at home and may feel tremendous aniety about returning to school and their doubt the own abilities to cope with another adjustment and major transition back to lots of social interaction and the ongoing uncertainty of risk and danger, not only related to COVID, but to any real, imagined, or exaggerated threat.
Even with this trepidation, most kids and teens are eager for life to go back to “normal”, whatever that is. Kids and teens who have lived through this crisis won’t ever take for granted again how easy it was to see a friend, have a play date, go to the movies with friends, have a sleepover, see grandparents, go on vacation, or have to worry about themselves of family members contracting a deadly virus.
We must acknowledge the pain, grief and loss our kids have experienced over the past year. I cannot even imagine how I would have responded if I was in their shoes, especially as a teenager with that innate desire to be myself, be with my friends, and be a part of the world. My clients have been such great sports coping with all the disappointments over the past year, and have told me time and time again that they understand why they can’t do certain activities or go to certain places. Many of the kids and teens I know have also dealt with feelings of frustration when they see others disregarding public health guidelines and some adults not setting a good example. Some kids and teens even feel guilty that they suffering emotionally as a result all the implications with the pandemic. They may mistakenly believe that they should be handeling this crisit perfectly and may be having problems. They need to know they are doing their best to handle a very usual situation the best that they can, and of course grief and anxiety are normal reactions. To help support our kids and teens, we can help them heal by providing warmth and compassion, by validating their feelings, letting them feel and process their feelings. And as responsible adults it’s important to set a good example and work through our own grief. It’s important to keep in mind that as humans we are strong and resilient and that out of adversity comes growth and strength. We have been and will continue to get through this together.
On a related note, as I was writing/ editing this blog article, the tragic, mass shooting at the Boulder King Sooper’s grocery store on Table Mesa occurred. If you live in Boulder and are a parent in Boulder, you must have been extremely relieved that our kids were on spring break at this time. That is because in the south Boulder neighborhood, pretty much all the kids from the nearby middle and high schools walk to that grocery store after school to get candy, snacks, hand out with friends, and socialize and practice thier independence, as they should, go there regularly. Had this horrific incident occurred the week before or after, there would have been many more children present. Regardless, this senseless massacre, has been another trauma for our kids and families to wrap our heads around and process. Of course, more shock, grief, horror arises and we need to keep in mind that new trauma triggers old trauma and our responses and it is of utmost importance to pay attention to and nurture ourselves and our kids as we continue to heal with another unbelievable event.
If you or your child and teen are struggling with the impact of the stress, anxiety, depression, or any mental health struggle, please don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Even though my practice is currently full and I cannot take on new clients, you can ask me for referrals or check back in the future to see if there is availability in my schedule.
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