Coping with your divorce like a death | Dr. Cristina A Scatigno

Even though we’ve all heard the statistics that approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce, many of us excitedly take the plunge, hope for the best, and truly think it won’t happen to us.

The 2012 statistics report:

41% of first marriages end in divorce.
60% of second marriages end in divorce.
73% of third marriages end in divorce.
The average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is 8 years.
People wait an average of 3 after a divorce to remarry (if they remarry at all).
The average age for couples going through their first divorce is 30 years old.
The United States is the country with the 3rd highest divorce rate in the world.

If you are sadly one the of people to join the club of those who didn’t make it to happily ever after, don’t fret, life goes on and when you allow yourself to grieve this loss, like a death, then you also allow yourself an opportunity for tremendous growth, self reflection, and change to a new, better, and stronger you.

Understanding that intense feelings are natural and giving yourself permission to feel what emotions arise is a necessary part of grief, regardless if you are the one who took the first step, moved out, and/ or filed the legal documents. A loss is a loss.

It’s a loss of the dreams you had envisioned for yourself.
It’s a loss of the family life you pictured and wanted (that can be with or without children).
It’s a loss of how you defined yourself.
It’s a loss of how you perceived your present and future life as a married person (and the meaning you attributed to it).
Divorce is expensive and it can be a huge and unexpected financial strain.

Despite all of these loses, once you realize your divorce is a necessary step you also experience the freedom and hope for a better future. I don’t think it’s a decision people tread upon lightly. It becomes necessary when a marriage isn’t working and maybe the only life event where fellow divorcees can relate say and honestly and in the most heart felt manner say to each other “I’m sorry and congratulations.”

When we realize a divorce is like a death and acknowledge it to be a tremendous life decision we acknowledge the stages of grief.

Remember everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. The feelings and stages do not have to happen in a linear way and it’s normal to jump back and forth and around again among all of the different emotions.

Shock and denial. It may be difficult to think to yourself, let alone say the “D word” out loud. That is okay. It’s such a shift in mindset whether you are newly married or have been married 20+ years. It’s interesting to pay attention to your own language and how this may change over the course of the divorce process. You might say to yourself “this doesn’t feel real” or “this doesn’t feel like my life.” You may notice your own language evolve from “it’s a trial separation” to “it’s over” or any variation of those. Don’t criticize yourself or tell yourself where you should be, how you should feel, and what you should say to yourself or others. You may know in your heart that you won’t go back, but it still may take time to say “we are getting divorced.” Simply practice accepting yourself for being where you are and how long it takes to go down that pathway. Your process is your process.
Anger is not uncommon and can be an especially difficult emotion to experience. Depending on your relationship and causes for ending the marriage common reasons to feel angry can include feeling betrayed by infidelity, feeling terrorized by emotional and physical abuse and domestic violence, financial betrayals, and the list of reasons to be angry can go on and on. You may be angry your spouse realized they can no longer keep their vows despite various betrayals and you may feel abandoned and have old wounds get triggered. Remember loss can trigger past loss and sometimes loss and sadness manifest in anger. Anger can get more complicated when one of partners become vindictive and retaliates by attacking their partner by driving up lawyers fees and arguing over petty details to “punish” their partner for leaving. This does nothing to help either partner and knowing when and how to let go is important to your health. Allow yourself to have healthy outlets of anger such as exercise, art, or speaking to a therapist or close trusted friend or family member.
Bargaining. This is the part of grief where we may overthink, replay, and over-analyze the relationship as a way to make sense out of what went wrong and to reconcile cognitive dissonance which is two opposing ideas and beliefs. It also gives us the lessons learned and helps up feel that we can do our part to prevent this type of loss in the future. When we experience a loss and a trauma we try to gain a sense of mastery over it that may give us some sense of safety and control in the future. It is how we comes to terms with leaving the person and future we thought we wanted and accepting it was perhaps not what we believed and coming terms with that reality and feeling secure in making the right decision as you proceed through the many hurdles of the divorce process. There are many legal hurdles to surpass and each one becomes an opportunity to be certain of your decision.
Depression. This is where the sad part comes in. Give yourself permission to be sad and cry. It’s important to have a healthy outlet for this emotion. Don’t tell yourself or let others tell you that you shouldn’t be sad or grieve. Of course you can be sad, remember it’s a loss. This is also the part where feeling like a failure and being embarrassed and ashamed kicks in. This part is harsh and it’s a vulnerable time. If you ever experienced self doubt or had negative beliefs about yourself that is where this can all resurface. If you can keep those in check, great. If not and it’s getting overwhelming, reach out to a therapist or divorce support group.
Acceptance. This is where you see the sun again and you know you have survived and you will overcome. Your identity as a divorced person does not sting nearly as badly as in the beginning when you couldn’t even say it and you are enjoying the freedom and benefits that come with being back in single life or at a minimum are out of an unhealthy and/or abusive situation. Use this as a time to reinvent yourself, get a tattoo, take on a new hobby, have a divorce party, go rock climbing, cut your hair, move to a new place, meditate, learn mindfulness, get in great shape, or do whatever your heart tells you to do. Be brave, be bold, and go for it. Start over. The world is excited to meet the brand new you!

And if you cycle back through any of these feelings, remember that is normal, it will happen, the roller coaster will eventually get less intense and you’ll get off when you’re done.

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